Don't Fit

As long as I can remember, I haven't really felt that I fit anywhere. It wasn't so much the idea of not "fitting in", I just plain did not fit. There was no little niche for me to fill. I've spent the majority of my life so far feeling like I was on the outside looking in. As a teen, I always had plenty of friends, was fairly "popular", never really lacked a social life but I was always reaching for something. Looking for something. I grew up some, found Jesus, got an education, had some kids, a husband, a home, a career.....and I was still spending a whole lot of time reaching, searching and looking. Have you ever been out driving in another state and got lost? You are looking everywhere for something that looks familiar, a street name you recognize, something, anything that can help you find your way? Your neck hurts from all the craning you are doing trying to see everything at once in case you miss that one thing that could help you get un-lost? You're probably a little mad at first, but if you stay lost for any length of time, then the fear sets in? Your heart starts to race a little bit? You start thinking of your family and loved ones, are they worried yet that you are not where you should be? Your heart starts to hurt a little, you don't want anyone worrying over you? Most of you probably know how this feels. Take this times 10, add a lot more heartbreak and that is how I feel every single day of my life. Always searching, looking, hoping that I will see that thing that will make me ok, that will show me the way, that will show me where I fit, where I belong. I've never really talked to anyone about it because I couldn't really put words to it. And I was quite sure I'd get a whole lot of "suck it up" and "you have a great life, why are you complaining?". Why was I complaining? Because it was kind of like when the bottom of your foot itches but you have shoes on.....it will annoy the crap out of you until you fix it :) I had come to the conclusion that something had to be done about it. I had to figure out what was wrong with me. That was the other conclusion I had come to....it had to be me. To go through so many years with different friends, homes, schools etc, the one constant was me. It had to be ME! I thought when I came to know Christ that this not fitting stuff would stop. Everyone says that He fills those empty places, He heals the hurts, right? With God in my life now I would fit, right? Can I be honest here???? It got worse! I've been a Christian for 11 years and I fit even less now than I did before. Over the years I have often thought to myself "I can't even get this right. Here is this perfect gift of forgiveness, acceptance and grace and I have managed to mess that up as well. I may just be the only person on earth that still can't find their place even after meeting Jesus! Seriously, I am a mess." And so, what do we good Christians do when faced with something like this? Oh, we try harder! Duh. That is what we do. That is what I did. Threw myself into bible studies and small groups. Ministries and fellowship. I figured I just had to try a little harder to get Jesus into my life and then.......I would fit. Nope, didn't work. Now I was tired in addition to being upset about not having a place. What the heck?!? It finally (just recently, actually) got to a point of real sadness, heartbreak and fear. This is when I finally did what I should have been doing all along....I took it to my God. Tear streaming down my face, stomach in knots, absolutely sure I had failed Him, it was hard to form words, I didn't know what to say. How do you tell Almighty God that maybe you are just not cut out for this? Maybe you weren't made for all this? (I know I know, ok? I know we don't need to tell Him anything, but you know what I'm saying....we are not always a rational species :) And I was so beyond serious. I truly felt that maybe I wasn't even cut out for life in general. Maybe I was defective, maybe there was some vital piece that I didn't get. So I began to talk to God, I was telling Him all this, laying my little broken heart and hurt feelings right out there for Him. Letting Him know how much it pained me that I couldn't fit anywhere, I couldn't find my place and if I couldn't find my place then I could never serve Him the way I should. I would never be able to give Him and others what they deserved because obviously, I wasn't cut out for all this. I told Him how my heart breaks for those that are hurting and needing and lost but I can't do anything about it because I am lost myself. Then I wanted to know why? Why was I defective? Everyone else seems to fit, why can't I? What was I doing wrong? What could I do better? How could I find my place? Why, God, do I not fit in this world? He answered me. "Because I didn't make you to fit in this world." That is what He said to me. And it was the last thing I expected to hear. I expected a list of things I was doing wrong and how to fix them. I really had to think about this. Sitting there in the presence of God, I thought. I prayed. I thought some more. A scripture from Ecclesiastes came to mind...."He has set eternity in the hearts of men" (Ecc 3:11). Then another one..."And the world hates them because they do not belong to this world, just as I (Jesus) do not belong to this world" (John 17:14). A weight began to lift off my heart. Tears of joy started (tears of joy are starting now as I write this). There is nothing wrong with me. I was not made for this world. I was made for eternity. I don't fit because this is not my home! All this time I have been searching for Heaven :) and I will get there someday. So now, instead of being upset that I don't fit, I have a goal. I have a home to look forward to. Someday I will fit better than I could ever imagine. I can be happy in this life, I can serve God and others, I can be all that He wants me to be here in this world. I will love and live and be loved. I now know that the ache in my heart means that I belong to Him, I belong in eternity with my Father. And that makes me even more equipped to serve Him in this life. It has never been more ok with me to not fit :)