I was not a "good" kid.......gave my parents a lot of trouble....I was mouthy and stubborn. I got into physical fights at school and did drugs and alcohol from a young age. Not a good kid at all.
At 20 years old, I became pregnant with my daughter, Haille. I was not married and her dad left when I was 4 months pregnant. This is when I came to Christ....I attended an Alpha Course at a local church and realized that I needed Jesus. My life began to change.....slowly.....but it changed.
At a later Alpha Course I was an assistant leader, this was a big deal to me! I felt better than I had in a long time. God loved me! He was changing me!
Then............
prayer time happened at Alpha.....I felt God tell me to get involved with youth. I laughed out loud! Certainly, that message was meant for someone else! Not me, I was a bad kid and a bad example. There was no way I was working with the youth! I then had another leader in the church tell me the same thing, at almost the same time! Seriously, God had his lines crossed. I was sure of it! I was getting someone elses' message :)
At this point.....I ran. Away from church, somewhat away from God. It scared me. I felt I couldn't possibly be involved in ministry, especially with kids. I would fail Him, I would let God down and that just wouldn't do. I couldn't do it.
Soon after, I got married to an abusive man and a divorce quickly followed. Now, I was really not a "good" person. Divorce? God doesn't like it and I was convinced He didn't like me either.
The months following the divorce were the darkest days of my life. I was in a depression so deep I couldn't see my way out. My heart hurt and I couldn't laugh anymore. I wanted to die. I wasn't suicidal. I never tried to hurt myself, but I prayed to God daily to "please, take me home". It hurt to live, to breathe. I couldn't function. I was failing as a mother because I was too depressed to care for Haille.
One night, I was laying on the floor sobbing, my heart was breaking. All I wanted was Jesus. I wanted to be forgiven and loved and healed. I heard Him that moment say to me "You've asked for forgiveness, love and healing. I hear you. Let me do MY work here." I was blown away! It never occured to me that I was the one standing in the way of what I needed. I was so far into my pity party that I wasn't letting Him work in me. It changed everything. Again, it was a slow process but the fog began to lift and life began to change. I could laugh again! I took care of Haille and started coming back to church.
Also again.....the youth ministry messages began coming.....at this point, I knew it was Him talking to me but I was still convinced He was wrong (I'm a big dummy, I know)
Around this time, there was Saturday night service for the youth called TAG (Totally About God). So, I decided to try to go around Gods message by getting involded with the praise team for this service. I had always loved to sing (but had never done it in public) and it was for the youth. Win-win situation in MY mind. I was with the youth (which God wanted) but had no actual contact with them (which I wanted). I have to give a "shout out" to Ken Dawson at this point!!!! Thank you for your patience with me! I know it wasn't easy! Part of why it wasn't easy is because I was too nervous to sing out loud :) still a dummy, I know....
However, being involved in this ministry changed me forever. It gave me a real appreciation of worshipping God. It also gave me an appreciation of His grace and strength. If it was not for His strength, I would never have gotten up on that stage and sang into a microphone (thanks Don Freese for turning me up! Otherwise no one would have heard me). And the congregation sounds so amazingly beautiful as they are worshipping God! You hear it differently up on stage than you do from in the congregation. To me, it seemed it must be what the angels in heaven sound like as they are worshipping Him! I loved this ministry and all the praise team folks! (this is where I began dating my husband, Brad :)
Brad and I began helping more and more with the youth....I still stayed my distance though, I still was certain I was not good enough to do much. Then decision time came.....we were asked to pick one ministry that we could excel at, instead of trying to do two. What the heck?!? That's what went through my mind at the time. Why would I have to choose anything? Wasn't I where God wanted me? (nope) Wasn't I serving in ministry? (yep) Was I not good at it? (jury is still out on that one..lol)
I decided not to run again. I was going to prayerfully consider this and listen to God.....that is until He told me to pick youth group over praise team. I argued with Him, yelled at Him and cried...a lot. I didn't want to leave praise team. I loved it! And didn't He know who I was? Didn't He know how bad of a kid I was?
Oh, He knew all right. He knew all along what He was doing :)
I decided to listen to Him. Decided I would choose youth group because that's what He wanted. All the time, in the back of my mind, thinking "I'll prove Him wrong and I'll be back at praise team in no time", yep I am STILL a dummy :)
And then.........I began to fall in love. With youth group, with the kids, with the gifts God had given me to minister to them. I learned what Pastor Mark was preaching about this past Sunday. In MY weakness, God makes me strong. I was sure that I was wrong for this job, sure that I had nothing to offer these kids.....and all that's true.....without GOD! He knew where I belonged all along and He knew that He had what it took for me to succeed. In all my trying to prove Him wrong, He showed me how wrong I was (in that loving God way that He is so good at :)
I still miss praise team...a bunch, actually. Its been about 3 years since I left and I miss it all the time. But I am where God wants me, doing what He wants me to do. Praise team taught me how to be involved in ministry and how to rely on God for strength.....He was preparing me for where He wanted me. There are times I regret not answering this call sooner. I wonder what I could've accomplished for Him if I hadn't run away....I'll never know. But it shaped me into who I am today. And that's who God loves :)
He wasn't waiting for me to get "good", He was waiting for me to learn to trust Him and lean on Him. God doesn't look for "perfect" people. We see that example over and over in the bible...Abraham, Moses, Peter, Paul. He is looking for people willing and ready to serve HIM. When I think "not me Lord", God says "I know the plans I have for you" and that's enough :)
