A Conversation with an Atheist

I met an atheist, a real one. A definitive personal declaration of the belief that God does not exist. I guess I have known a few over the years but not one that would actually talk to me about what being an atheist means to them personally. Statistically speaking, atheists are the most hated group of people in the world. And I’m a Christian. It can make for an awkward and guarded conversation. I decided I was going to listen to every word this person had to say with no judgment, no argument, nothing but hearing them out on the decision to so resolutely claim that there is no God.


I’ve talked with people that claimed to be atheists before, but they were almost always people that were just mad at God. They didn’t really believe that He doesn’t exist; they were just upset with something they perceived as a wrong done to them by God. This was different.

I thought that as I listened that I would become angry and hurt and feel some need to defend God and Christians. I didn’t. With every word from this persons’ lips, I became more and more sad. I was heartbroken. This was not someone that had a prayer go unanswered or a loved one die and blamed God. I think I expected that. This was someone that was so torn apart by the people in the church, by the Christians, the Christ followers, the supposed lovers of all, that they could only conclude that God must not be real. If the church is the representation of Christ in this world and the church is completely tearing others down, condemning, pointing fingers, hurting and making impossible rules to follow, then God can’t exist. That was the opinion. And it made sense. If you go to the church to find God and only find hate and fear and legalism then maybe He is not real.

My heart ached beyond all compare. We, the church, are ruining the church. And it’s nothing new. This is not some 21st century church fad. We’ve been doing it as long as the church has existed. Jesus Himself questioned the religious leaders in His time. It’s only by the grace of God Himself that the church continues. I believe God exists, absolutely, no question. But this conversation made me ask “Does He exist in us? In me?” Are we doing our job as the church of giving the world a picture of Christ? Or are we painting Him as a mean, vicious, vengeful, hateful Savior? Now, please don’t get me wrong, I am very well aware that not all people in a church are like this. There are many wonderful, amazing, loving and generous people in churches everywhere. But as a whole, as the universal Bride of Christ, are we really doing our best in this world? I don’t think so.

This conversation made me think back to the times I attended different churches before I accepted Christ. I often felt overwhelmed with all I had to do to be loved by God (aka “church people”), I felt judged, alone and afraid. I was pretty convinced that there was no way at all that God could love someone like me. I know part of that was my own fears and insecurities. But it was also largely due to the fact that I was not accepted “as is”, I had to change way too much of me, my personality, my character, my passions, etc to get into the church. Didn’t God create me? Isn’t He pleased at His unique creation? I know there were things in my life that needed to change, but the core of who I am? The very heart and soul that God Himself breathed into me? Why did I have to change that? How could I possibly change that without denying all that He made me to be? I can definitely indentify with this atheist. I thank God I found a church family that loved and accepted me. That taught me how to grow in Christ without sacrificing the very person He created me to be. That showed me how to use my unique talents and quirks to better serve Him. Otherwise, I could have easily found myself in the same boat. An atheist, so turned off by the people of God that I saw no other option than to believe that He couldn’t exist.

The next time you sit talking to someone about God (atheist or not), really think about the words coming out of your mouth. Are you passionately in love with the one and only God? Do your words, actions and life show that? Or do you speak out of both sides of your mouth? Do you extol the love and grace of God, while at the same time condemning and judging someone whom you have deemed as beneath you? Are you painting the appropriate picture of Christ and his death, his resurrection, his overwhelming love and compassion for ALL humanity? It is something that anyone who claims to be a Christian should be thinking about every single second of every single day. I would hate to get to heaven and find out that something I said or did here on this earth caused someone to not only fall away from God, but to go so far as to claim that He doesn’t exist at all.

It really is something to think about.

Labels

I am always extremely amused at the labels that people put on me. I think it's because to most people the outside doesn't match the inside :) I have been told more than once that I don't look like a Christian. I don't really know what that means but I know they think it is true. I have 13 tattoos (and I'll probably get more), I have piercings other than in my ears, my hair color changes monthly and I tend to dress a little hippy-ish, I sew a lot of my own clothes. I listen to my music loud (and most of my music is from the 70's or earlier) and it's possible you could see me dancing in the rain outside or rescuing a duck or something :) So, first impression? I most often get labeled a hippy, sometimes punk or alternative. Sometimes, simply weird. But I'm pretty happy-go-lucky, I smile a lot, so people are ok with me being a hippy. Until.........

they find out I'm a Christian. Holy Rusted Metal Batman!!!!!

Oh boy, oh boy! This is when the real labels start coming out :) and this is when I start becoming amused. And this is why: I look like a liberal hippy (according to others), I look like a tree hugging, peace loving alterna-punk rock chick :) (which by the way, is just fine with me) Until.....the Christian comes out. Then, somehow, the tattoos fade, the crazy hair is no longer an issue, the hippy clothes, the perpetual smile, all thrown by the wayside. Because I am a Christian....therefore, I am a conservative, close minded, hypocritical, self-righteous, judgemental, fun hating bigot. And then the double whammy!!!! I work for a church. That makes me some sort of uber-Christian, so you can take all those labels and add 100. That is a whole lot of labels!

And it is not who I am. We all are so worried about what someone looks like or what they do or where they work that we forget all about WHO they are. I am so saddened that the only experience that some people have had with Christians cause them to have this kind of opinion. There are so many different, wonderful, beautiful people out there. God created us all so uniquely. It causes me some serious heart ache when we label and pigeon hole others based on surface information.

You know what Christian means to me? A Christ follower. I follow Christ. I try to live my life as He would have me live it. I love others, passionately and intensely. I strive to always put the needs of others before myself, no matter what label they carry, no matter that they subscribe to my set of beliefs or not. People that know me well would probably tell you that I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. And that would be the truth, I would. I'd also give you my home, car, food, etc. Because I love you. Because God loves you. I give my time and effort to my church and community. I am involved in our youth ministry because I truly want to see lives changed for eternity. I don't judge others, because I have no right to. Not only have I lived a life that has not been perfect but as a Christ follower, I am commanded to not judge others. I am an eternal optimist. I see sunshine everywhere. I believe in the inherent goodness of humankind and it gets me hurt....a lot. But I wouldn't change it. I love Christ with every single fiber of my being. I live to know more and more of Him every day, to become more like Him, to love more like Him. That is how I would prefer to be labeled as a Christian. As a lover. A lover of Christ and a lover of others.

If you are looking at me and the tattoos and piercings seem to fade and the hair doesn't bother you so much, I want it to be because you can see Christ in me, because you can see love in me. Not because you are jaded by some mean Christian that hurt your feelings along the way. Believe me, plenty of them have hurt my feelings along the way. Look past that. Truly look someone in the eyes. Get to know their heart. Give people a chance before you label them. You may just be surprised at what you find.

Written by a Christ following, tree hugging, tattooed, conservative, lover of others, pierced, fun loving, hippy alterna-punk rock peace-loving forgiven sinner :)

Don't Fit

As long as I can remember, I haven't really felt that I fit anywhere. It wasn't so much the idea of not "fitting in", I just plain did not fit. There was no little niche for me to fill. I've spent the majority of my life so far feeling like I was on the outside looking in. As a teen, I always had plenty of friends, was fairly "popular", never really lacked a social life but I was always reaching for something. Looking for something. I grew up some, found Jesus, got an education, had some kids, a husband, a home, a career.....and I was still spending a whole lot of time reaching, searching and looking. Have you ever been out driving in another state and got lost? You are looking everywhere for something that looks familiar, a street name you recognize, something, anything that can help you find your way? Your neck hurts from all the craning you are doing trying to see everything at once in case you miss that one thing that could help you get un-lost? You're probably a little mad at first, but if you stay lost for any length of time, then the fear sets in? Your heart starts to race a little bit? You start thinking of your family and loved ones, are they worried yet that you are not where you should be? Your heart starts to hurt a little, you don't want anyone worrying over you? Most of you probably know how this feels. Take this times 10, add a lot more heartbreak and that is how I feel every single day of my life. Always searching, looking, hoping that I will see that thing that will make me ok, that will show me the way, that will show me where I fit, where I belong. I've never really talked to anyone about it because I couldn't really put words to it. And I was quite sure I'd get a whole lot of "suck it up" and "you have a great life, why are you complaining?". Why was I complaining? Because it was kind of like when the bottom of your foot itches but you have shoes on.....it will annoy the crap out of you until you fix it :) I had come to the conclusion that something had to be done about it. I had to figure out what was wrong with me. That was the other conclusion I had come to....it had to be me. To go through so many years with different friends, homes, schools etc, the one constant was me. It had to be ME! I thought when I came to know Christ that this not fitting stuff would stop. Everyone says that He fills those empty places, He heals the hurts, right? With God in my life now I would fit, right? Can I be honest here???? It got worse! I've been a Christian for 11 years and I fit even less now than I did before. Over the years I have often thought to myself "I can't even get this right. Here is this perfect gift of forgiveness, acceptance and grace and I have managed to mess that up as well. I may just be the only person on earth that still can't find their place even after meeting Jesus! Seriously, I am a mess." And so, what do we good Christians do when faced with something like this? Oh, we try harder! Duh. That is what we do. That is what I did. Threw myself into bible studies and small groups. Ministries and fellowship. I figured I just had to try a little harder to get Jesus into my life and then.......I would fit. Nope, didn't work. Now I was tired in addition to being upset about not having a place. What the heck?!? It finally (just recently, actually) got to a point of real sadness, heartbreak and fear. This is when I finally did what I should have been doing all along....I took it to my God. Tear streaming down my face, stomach in knots, absolutely sure I had failed Him, it was hard to form words, I didn't know what to say. How do you tell Almighty God that maybe you are just not cut out for this? Maybe you weren't made for all this? (I know I know, ok? I know we don't need to tell Him anything, but you know what I'm saying....we are not always a rational species :) And I was so beyond serious. I truly felt that maybe I wasn't even cut out for life in general. Maybe I was defective, maybe there was some vital piece that I didn't get. So I began to talk to God, I was telling Him all this, laying my little broken heart and hurt feelings right out there for Him. Letting Him know how much it pained me that I couldn't fit anywhere, I couldn't find my place and if I couldn't find my place then I could never serve Him the way I should. I would never be able to give Him and others what they deserved because obviously, I wasn't cut out for all this. I told Him how my heart breaks for those that are hurting and needing and lost but I can't do anything about it because I am lost myself. Then I wanted to know why? Why was I defective? Everyone else seems to fit, why can't I? What was I doing wrong? What could I do better? How could I find my place? Why, God, do I not fit in this world? He answered me. "Because I didn't make you to fit in this world." That is what He said to me. And it was the last thing I expected to hear. I expected a list of things I was doing wrong and how to fix them. I really had to think about this. Sitting there in the presence of God, I thought. I prayed. I thought some more. A scripture from Ecclesiastes came to mind...."He has set eternity in the hearts of men" (Ecc 3:11). Then another one..."And the world hates them because they do not belong to this world, just as I (Jesus) do not belong to this world" (John 17:14). A weight began to lift off my heart. Tears of joy started (tears of joy are starting now as I write this). There is nothing wrong with me. I was not made for this world. I was made for eternity. I don't fit because this is not my home! All this time I have been searching for Heaven :) and I will get there someday. So now, instead of being upset that I don't fit, I have a goal. I have a home to look forward to. Someday I will fit better than I could ever imagine. I can be happy in this life, I can serve God and others, I can be all that He wants me to be here in this world. I will love and live and be loved. I now know that the ache in my heart means that I belong to Him, I belong in eternity with my Father. And that makes me even more equipped to serve Him in this life. It has never been more ok with me to not fit :)